May 26, 1012

Have you ever felt lost? Have you ever felt empty? Especially when one person who you have known has died without knowing the cause? 

It was my first time having this kind of experience, he wasn't a family member, he was not my friend, but my teacher.

My grandmother died, but it seems to me that I wasn't that much affected, my grandfather, uncle, aunt, anyone. Maybe because they weren't much here in this place or home, or they aren't always visiting our house, probably we aren't that much close too. But the fact that my teacher died really shocked me by the time I read this message:

"Guyz si mam Fradez.. (Guys, Ma'am Frades..)

Wala na,she passed away.. (Is gone, she passed away..)

Wala na ni Mamang.." (Granny is gone..)

I was shocked when I received this message (this happened after I took a bath at around 12pm) I got frantic and started to send a reply, but a new message pop-out in my phone, so this  is how it turns out:

" Guyz, w8 ntin plan ni dean (Guys, let's wait for Dean's plan)

meanwhile let us all pray 4 her soul. (Meanwhile, let us all pray for her soul.)

Spread dis 2 all us classmates. (Spread this to all our classmates.)

Sa tarlac kc xia dadalhn" (She will be brought to tarlac [soon])

"Ma'am Frades? As in Clara Frades?" *Could not send

The *Could not send part means I have no load or credits to send a message

After analyzing everything, she was born in Tarlac, Ma'am Frades is the only person in the Nursing School who has that name, besides that, no one in my other classmates has a Professor's name "Frades" but her.. 

So eveything now starts to sink in, she is dead. Dead. Long gone. Gone, forever.

Until then, I thought and thought and I thought still.. How did she die? How did she die? That is one mystery that I keep solving in my head, I don't remember her suffering in some disease. I don't remember her doing something that makes her tired while we're on our duties. (She was our CI while on Community duty, she held us for a month. After 2-3 days, she was gone) I don't know what's got into her that made her dead. Is there something that makes her unhappy? Is there something that she has been hiding for so long? 

My classmates and I thought of that, but they all ended up saying: "Its Cardiac Arrest, probably she's just tired"

Well, she was tired. She and her nursing Co-workers have been going on "Outing". They went to Pangansinan or Pampanga, Iloilo or Ilocos, I think they also went to Palawan, I don't know. But the last place she went to is Baguio, just with her old friends, not with her co-workers. And in fact, this is also the place where she and her first love met. :)

I didn't get much info about her First Boyfriend and her Undying Love for him. But, she said they were together for at least 8-10 years. They've met in probably before or during college days. They used to write letters and wait for each others reply for one month. Everyday, she waited for him, and he gives poems to her. Both of their parents approved their relationship, so they are legally or allowed to be together with no restriction. they were happy, the only thing left is marriage.

Until one day, this man broke up their relationship. How? When he made someone pregnant, not her-- but another woman. It took her heart apart, she started crying and got depressed. She almost killed herself when she's crossing the road. She was out of her mind, she didn't realized the vehicle was about to hit her. It really made her confused and in utter depression. (woah, HEAVY! haha, O.A. mag-describe, haha). She cried and cried everyday until her tears can no longer be out. She took away her gifts from him; from flowers, toys, letters, pictures, etc. All gone, she took it all away from her. She didn't leave, I think, the house for one month, until she finally recovered from her first break-up and broken-heart.

The time they have finally met once again, the man was looking for her, hoping for forgiveness. But all she could ever say, "Alam mo, naubos na ang luha ko, kakaiyak sa'yo." (You know, I could no longer shed a tear because I cried for you.) Actually, I don't remember the exact words on what she said, but I think this the closest one. After that she left without looking back. Until a few years later, she met another man and got married with two kids, all grown-up.

I also remembered, last day of our community duty, she showed us her picture. The day she  was still young, the day when she became a real nurse. holding the picture was a really fragile to me, especially its sepia color with its thin yet hard photo paper. She was really happy when she showed that to us, when my classmate ask about a picture of his husband, all she ever said was "Nah, I don't have any pictures of him." We laughed and then she asked, "How about your past boyfriend, Ma'am?". "I no longer kept one picture of him, I took it all away. I don't know where it is now.", she said.

I also remembered she said, she still have this "feelings" for his past boyfriend, all she could only feel is "*Kilig", but not love. Just the excitement about him just makes her smile. :D

Well, I think that's all I could remember about her during our duties.

One of my classmates said that she maybe is hiding something, some "maintenance" for her. It happened when we were eating in this community mall at the Pasta Restaurant, she  saw that she was hiding it in her bag, she thought that our CI didn't took the medicine because she was "caught an eye" from my classmate. So she didn't take it, she just quickly hid it under her bag, my classmate thought it was probably a medicine for her, but she didn't bother asking. 

Then after her death, one of our professor never thought of her dying early. I mean, come on, she eats vegetables, she rarely eats meat, often eats fish. She exercises everyday, she can still walk, run, some stuff like that. Our other professors are really old, like around 65+ years, but they can still move without breaking a leg. So, yeah, its a real shock she died before the other oldies. JOKE. *knock on wood*

Anyway, our professor said that probably she really is hiding something, she just doesn't want anyone to get worried on her, she'd rather keep it to herself. Even the professors are really shocked when she died, they didn't know why she died in Cardiac Arrest. And maybe she really was tired, all she ever wanted was to retire. (Which really happened, she was filing her papers for retirement but her clearance wasn't fully finished, she died before finishing up everything.). She wanted to retire because she want to relax and enjoy her life while she can, go to different places with her family, spend with her grandchildren, have fun, but God took her. I do not blame Him, its just that everything is.. gone. Just SNAP. Gone. 

If I am right, they said this is how she died. 

When she and her old friends went to Baguio, she was all tired and wanted to relax with a cool shower. When she took a shower, all her body starts to freeze then, BOOM, she fell to the floor. Her heart stops. Cardiac Arrest.

So, I thought, is that the reason why they say "Never take a shower when tired, take a little rest, then when you feel refreshed and no longer tired. Go and tale a shower to cool up" ?? 

I also remembered my classmate, Carmina. She knows Ma'am Frades, she spread the news to us (Camille and I) that she is dead, what I don't get is how come she knows Ma'am Frades when she's in different course? (She's in Psychology, I'm in nursing, same as the other name I mentioned. :).. ) Then she said that, her classmates went to the Manila Branch (They're cross-enrollees By the way, from QC Campus :)..) to study the idk-subject which turns out that Ma'am Frades is their teacher. The problem? She died before their grades are about to release. They have no grade for the idk-subject from her. I don't know what solution they have done, but they probably let it be, hoping that their grade will be there. Or else they will repeat the subject/ start all over again and have the grade with different teacher. Sad, no? hehe

I think this is already long.. 

to think my back is aching from typing and my hand can no longer type, giving me typos (I'm SERIOUS).

That's all for now, ouch~ my hands.. T^T

Cath X~

P.S.

*KILIG -  A Filipino term meaning you're giggling with excitement especially in love.

 For example: When you see you're crush, what do you feel? Especially when he sees you and says "Hi!" to you?  

You start to jump, laugh, giggle, blush.. That's what KILIG means :)

*Knock on wood - Its a way of us telling "Hope that won't happen!"

 For example: 

Conversation: 

GIRL1: Hey, I wonder what happens when you got hit by a truck in 5 secs, will you die or will you live? 

GIRL2: The hell?? Of course that won't happen-- BOOM

LOL, joke. I Knocked on a wood while typing this, I'm serious.. even if  put "haha" here, I still knock on wood.. Hope that won't happen~! :)

EDIT:: I DON'T KNOW WHY THE FUCK THERE IS "WHITE HIGHLIGHTS" IN MY TEXT!! I sometimes see that on my other POSTS!!